Not you again !!

 This was the first time in my life I might have felt so blank and probably good since I had absolutely no thoughts , for once my brain was just still and all I could see was a white blank space , calm and quite. I was a in interim place of total bliss , where I didn't feel that my head is full , which was a common phrase I was using lately like I am numb with so many thoughts and I seem to have no control over these thoughts which keep pouring in , like a deep deep well and random thoughts keep entering my mind and the atmosphere in the room keeps changing , even before I Can get used to the previous one and it was frustrating but this void where I am is surprisingly the most at peace I have ever been and I didn't wanted to come out of this white box; slowly I can hear the chaos creep in , little bustle and my eyes open to an unfamiliar scene and it took time for me to comprehend that I was in a hospital bed and I see a familiar face through the corner of my eyes and I felt the rage in me , my eyes glaring at him and all I could think of was " what the....". Anger and disappointment flood my head that that nothing has changed. I think I was glad when I was unconscious , I lost 4 days of my life and I have absolutely no regrets about it.

  Slowly as I gained my consciousness , I started pulling the needles out of my hands and tubes from my nose , I was violent though I have no memory of it , in my conscious mind as a child or as a grown adult I have never been aggressive or violent but this time I was when I was unconscious and they had to tie my hands. They kept hearing they saying that  I am feisty and I could hear it and understand it but somehow my emotions , my anger and fury were so consuming that my rational mind which always told me to be nice and polite to others was not working. May be i just wanna rip everything off and run away from that place and never ever come back to people who put me here.

I realized that there was this cognitive disconnect , I was not able to express my self , and typically I would have been scared but surprisingly I was not , but I could tell that I am not able to put words to my thoughts and the only person who could understand was the person I hated the most at that time. He was the reason for me to feel this miserable and he was the only one standing by my bed , willingly or out of no choice , who knows , who cares.. 

And while I was speaking incoherently to him , in my head all I could think was ....

" No...not you again "